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Titty Sprinkles!

Biggest problem with Windows Phone? What’s holding it back? Nope, not the timing, carriers or even Ballmer. It’s the name. While people tend to favor the number seven, Microsoft, Windows and Phone, the words, the brands, are boring and dull as shit at best, with a synergistic effect when you pack them altogether and chase it with an additional syllable or two for the number plus a carrier, OEM and phone name to identify your optimized phone.

Yes, Windows 7 turned out not suck as much as Windows normally does but it’s not sexy enough to consumers to make them want to buy some phone because it has a similar name and number. Especially since this was aimed at consumers and not the enterprise there just isn’t a demand for a phone brand that implies that it might work more cohesively with one’s Microsoft computer. If anything, time to show that the phone is functional whether a computer is in the mix or not. People know by now that everything’s compatible with everything and don’t give a shit. Maybe a couple people dummies on the fence were tipped over the edge when seeing Microsoft and/or Windows slapped onto the sales tag, but not enough dummies to offset all the people who kept moving, probably back to the more visible parts of the stores than you’ll never, ever graze with a name like this.

These updates you’re sending out that require people to plug into their computer and install another iTunes, how many people who’ve finally received that update ping actually followed through with it? Not talking about the people saying great job on your blog, but everyone who bought the things. Is that why the updates require a Zune tethering, because you thought it would be a good way to get more people using Zune, as if you’d have that kind of leverage to throw around? Why would you require Zune for anything? And which one of you managed to convince the rest that Zune is a fresh sounding word to go with for anything you intend to sell? Zune. Really? What’s wrong with you?

You decided you’d better regroup and give this thing a new name, a clean slate, and put Windows Mobile to bed. Smart, but this is what you came up with as an improvement? More question marks please??? The AT&T HTC Surround, a Microsoft Windows Phone 7 and Zune, Office and HTC apps. What, no Sharepoint, msconfig and MS SQL too? C’mon, doesn’t it come with MacAfee, Windows Defender and Norton like my PC? Windows, that’s the thing that runs my Windows Update software already, right? Love that. Good God, no wonder roughly 99 out of 100 yesterday’s smartphone buyers went with something else.

That XBox, isn’t that selling even better than meth in Tennessee? Sandbags in Louisiana? Yeah, it’s called the XBox, that’s what your people came up and went with instead of Microsoft Windows Home Server 2012 Gaming Console Center 29. You see my point? I know you guys have already discussed this multiple times, but whoever’s in the room at the time saying that I’m wrong, you know that guy? Well maybe he’s right but damnit guys you’ve got to try something! You made a better product and that didn’t work and maybe, just maybe that’s because you’re shooting your foot off with a horrible name. Bet it’s the same guy who said you should include the word Series in it. “Don’t Buy This” is actually a better name. Seriously, think about it. Edgy, you know?

Sometimes I think you guys fucked up the update thing deliberately in order to give us something to talk about. Which actually isn’t that bad an idea in your case, so kudos if I just nailed it right there, our little secret.

Face it, Microsoft, while being a venerable blue chip company and whatever, is, as a brand, about as arousing to the consumer psyche as Exxon and Proctor and Gamble. That is becoming truer over time and you know it, you fucking know it, don’t just write me off as some dime a dozen jackoff blogger because you know that is true. I don’t know how you managed to do that but you did. So embrace it, the failure that is, and stop embracing the old brands. I’m more interested in rumors regarding 3M than Microsoft, think I’ll check if they have an RSS feed. The only thing extraordinary that comes to my mind when I hear Microsoft is prolifically predatorily litigious. Mind blown, sell me your phone.

All right gents, so don’t call the next one Microsoft Windows Phone 8 or anything like that. Please stop continuing to screw the pooch, it’s getting old. What should you call it? I don’t know, BP Sucks? How about Titty Sprinkles? No, too out there? Come on, who doesn’t love titty sprinkles. That’s how Charlie Sheen bounces out of depressive episodes, chanting titty sprinkles to himself (well, that and bumping some lines off porn stars). Just go up to five people right now and say titty sprinkles and you’ll get six positive reactions. At least three and the other two were probably bottle fed and suck anyway. Yeah you’re right but now I know what to name my article in order to get people to read it even with no apparent sign of titties or sprinkling or sprinkling titties. Hmm, something toned down a notch but still edgy… 

Ahh yes I think I got it: Mango.

Doug Simmons

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