NoDo requirements

This isn’t going to be about hardware requirements for NoDo because everything will update just fine.  This is what I want out of this and/or near future updates to keep me interested in this software platform.  I only have a few grievances but they certainly cause my blood to occupy a temperature somewhere above boiling and just below a solar flare.  Let’s dive in and see what will be necessary to float my proverbial WinPho boat.

A) Multi-tasking for first party applications

Some of you will try and tell me this already exist.  You’re wrong.  Any sort of task switching or multi-tasking is done without the consent of the user and upon a general sort of whim.  Case in point, the music player does not remember what you were playing last unless it has been less than about 10 minutes.  Yeah, it saves a log of your previous plays on the recently played part of the hub, but if I was listening to some music via bluetooth through my stereo and I go inside to grab a burger somewhere, I should be able to come back out, hit play, and it immediately pick up where I left off.  There is also the little problem of receiving a text message during games. It takes me a good 3-4 minutes to get into Project Sunburst (which is a super tits game) and I’ll be damned if I’m going to keep reloading the whole game just so I can respond to my room mates query about our toilet paper reserves with a “yes”.  I call bullshit, Microsoft.  You could have easily allowed hub multi-tasking, which would eliminate this problem entirely.  Allowing each hub to run independently would really be the true essence of Microsoft’s hub-centric OS.  Otherwise this shit is nothing but colored tiles with numbers.  Lame.

B) Copy and Paste

I’ve written about Microsoft’s attempt to circumvent copy and paste via their hotlinking nonsense, which I bought into skeptically at first due to promises made by developers.  They promised the OS would recognize phone numbers, addresses, and anything else you wanted to carry over to another application through this hotlinking business.  Well, I gotta tell you, they failed.  My phone rarely recognizes phone numbers with parenthesis surrounding the area code, rarely recognizes an address unless its a full street number, name, city, state, and zip.  How freaking often are you doing that?  99% of the time I’m looking for a local business or a friends house.  Just search locally first, and then move up the chain through the state, region, or nation, as necessary.  This doesn’t seem all that hard to implement, especially in C#.  It’s not like there are a million ways to do things, Java-style.  So whoever at Microsoft decided their customers weren’t any smarter than Apple customers was wrong.  Way smarter.  Not only do I realize that corporations shouldn’t dictate the use of their products to their consumers, but I also realize I do NEED copy and paste.  I’m also not going to go on and on about that shit when we finally get it and claim, again, once and for all, that my phone is superior to yours.  It already was by virtue of the fact that it’s my phone.  Booyah.

C) More Landscape support

I use my phone sideways a lot.  It’s just how I choose to use my screen real estate.  WinPho, however, doesn’t quite know what the hell it wants to be.  By now I’ve figured out how to use my phone sideways, even without landscape support, but it looks about as awkward as a football bat.  This is a really simple fix and I really don’t understand Microsoft’s inability to provide this type of support.  “Oh, well if we supported landscape view on the home screen, it would change the number of tiles and look uneven.”  Cry me a river and then down in that shit, loser.  Just flip the freaking tiles sideways and leave them the hell where they are.  Rotating is a pretty simple thing to accomplish.  No resizing, no new tile organization paradigm, no problems with third party apps, just rotate it.

D) Custom notifications

I hate getting phone calls when I’m currently occupied by pressing business.  This could be anything from studying, showering, or for the lucky ones, having great sex.  I hate even more intensely, phone calls from people I don’t like or random numbers.  This could theoretically be solved by the myriad of shitty preloaded ring tones and notifications but I also don’t have time to memorize the slight difference between the “dance” and the “peace” ringtones Microsoft arbitrarily decided I wanted, with no way of removing them.  Screw your shitty 8 bit ring tones Microsoft.  I want to be rocking full mp3 custom notifications cut from obscure adult swim cartoon show references.  Is it so wrong that I want Professor Farnsworth to proclaim “Bad News Everyone” when the ex calls, or Phil Ken Sebben to laugh loudly and bellow “Dangly Parts” when I receive a text message?  Not only does it brighten my shitty days with a little humor but is much more recognizable and memorable to the user.

I’m going to leave this at my four big requests for now, because these will certainly carry my interests for the next few months.  Faster loading times for third party apps is nice and all, but who the hell needs it if your apps don’t have to be reloaded every time you get drunk dialed by your younger sister to explain drinking games to get more drunk?  Not I, fellow readers.  I’m sure some of you out there have similarly high blood pressure over your ability to “Rocket Riot” on the can while receiving a simple text message, or some other pressing matters with the OS.  Make yourselves heard in the comments below, or just make fun of me for caring about stupid idiosyncrasies of mobile OS’s.