In my younger days of diminished common sense I gave a girl a can of pepper spray for her birthday, a party with a dozen girls, indoors, tight space.

She opened the packaging and I guess a little squirted out and, well, let’s just say that that’s one way to wrap up a boring birthday party. That stuff stings! And spreads around a room quickly. And girls don’t have an ability to laugh the pain away, another thing I learned that night.

I argued that it was the gesture that counted. Plus we were in a sketchy neighborhood in France, I was genuinely concerned for the girls’ safety (which was why I thought of pepper spray).

Moral of the story, be creative with gifts, but steer clear of chemical weapons, or at least present the gift outdoors. And don’t block traffic.

Maybe I should have give her this zipgun / brass knuckle combo instead?

Doug Simmons

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Biographical info.. hmm. I have a history of not being able to strike the balance between what is "safe" to put into these forms and what is, in my mind at least, funny. Can't do it.