I don’t mean no disrespect but fellas why the stupid pseudonyms? Last names I can understand but not even your first? Worried someone will mail you dog poop sprinkled with anthrax and steal your identity to buy deviant porn and AOL sweatshirts? Instead of Eddie we’ve got sm0k3yd4b4nd1t, instead of Vinnie we’ve got ant_129, we’ve got the  FunkyGator, The_Fight, Idrankbluekoolaid, Hotmail Alias (actually that one’s not too bad) …

What is it, you signed onto the Internet for the first time and discovered you couldn’t make an AOL/Gmail/XDA account with just your first name so you come up with something random and then throughout your Internetting, looking around at the other randomness, you yourself grow progressively more out there with theses handles?

Are you reserving yourself a little playpen for an alter ego?

Want to be able to have a little spot of intellectual asylum where you can be an idiot or sexist or fire up a little good ol’ racial humor and not have to worry that your father-in-law or employer-to-be will find out about it so your impulse is to go with something like D-Money? But again, brings us back to first names, you’re afraid those people will manage to connect the dots just with that first name, don’t want to take any chances?

Do you not like your name? Wish your parents named you FunkyGator or Hotmail Alias? Is that it?

You’re aware, right, that at least on this website you don’t have to register a unique name. Hell you can even post as me. Named Doug too? You can post as The other other Doug. Email address? Just bang in as@d.f, not like we keep track of that (let alone spam you), we just haven’t bothered to figure out how get rid of that box. Keep coming up with other things to do with our lives. That said, not for nothing, but I see you people haven’t exactly been pulling your weight by contributing a ton of comment content since I’ve been away. Sort that out, don’t make me write another Tea Party thing.

I guess it mainly bothers me when I am writing a serious yet seriously awesome article about something sweet some XDA guy did and I need to credit him and have to say something like “Thanks to the good work of chupavergas2091 from XDA,” I just wish I could use a normal name so keep my article beautiful, and then it makes me think, why do we do this? Well, why don’t I ask the readers? And here we are.

As you can see I slap my name all over the place. Bottom of just about every article I write. Even when I’m being stupid (“when are you not being stupid?” yeah yeah). Big ego I guess, but really though, if you can believe this reason? Helps my Google ranking which is why I’m here, trying to snatch Doug Simmons from some lawyer so I can get one of those Google Search business cards – and also because I just don’t see the reason to use a handle. It’s not like if I post something and sign it as Doug Simmons some spam bot is going to email “Doug Simmons” a bunch of crap. What’s the point.

Hey, if you don’t get all panty wadded because you think this is my way of talking shit about Windows Phone (which by the way is climbing immeasurably, and not the good immeasurably), maybe you can tell me, maybe there’s a good reason. So guys, what’s with the handles? Seriously. To smooth things over, some luscious lips. The one right above is big enough but protip, the others blow up if you click…

Doug Simmons

16 COMMENTS

  1. yeah thanks.. I’ve been experimenting with this theory I’ve got to help the site, that if we spice things up a bit, the net result will be a spicier site.

    Doug Smith doesn’t see the logic behind that as clearly as I do but he’s not in that great a position of leverage on this.

  2. Doug, I may be dating myself by saying this but.. handles came in to be many, many years ago when we were accessing the BBSs via our 300baud modems.. Everyone used a handle then and it sort of carried over to the full blown internet.

    But the handle thing allows people to be anonymous , especially the trolls out there. I think part of the handle thing as well is that some people use handles that represent themselves and what they might like in life.

  3. There are a few people that choose to remain semi nameless because of their day jobs. I for one have considered posting news during the day as alias or as “admin” to make sure the eyes that pay don’t get into a wad. Be careful calling people out because a small percentage is legit and big time contributers to our crusade.

    @ad09lak-d0a_dfad-flad0: Dude that is hilarious!

    @Kristofer: Quit “Dating yourself”!

    @Mobility Digest readers: Doug is right, we need a lot of help from you guys to keep things going. We seem to have gotten lax around here and your comments are needed to bring new readers into the discussion. We are also needing more writers. Android and iPhone writers are encouraged to come forward. We need you. It’s not hard and there is on the job training. The Mobility Digest Staff Email Chaos is benefit enough to sacrifice some of your time. So please let me know. If you can’t spare the time for writing/blogging, then how about become a ninja? We need those too, send us links to stuff and help the content flow from Mobility Digest for all to enjoy.

    Public service announcement has ended. Go back and look at Simmons photos some more before the wife catches you. LOL

  4. Having an alias is not such a bad thing, my original name was Grimwald Reaper. Needless to say, not many people liked their daughters dating the Grim Reaper.
    When I was old enough and was able to afford it, I changed it to Bryan

  5. Go back and look at Simmons photos some more before the wife catches you.

    Beware, that’s some reverse psychology shit right there, encouraging you to look at the pretty photos. Don’t be duped — look at the photos.

  6. BBSs via our 300baud modems

    I was right with you a the time of 300 baud, also at my monthly IRL 2600 meetings full of people like th3j35t3r who needed as much anonymity as they could get. One time I took a picture and this guy just flipped out until I handed him the film to rip apart

    But c’mon. Mobility Digest.

  7. Wow. I get immortalized in an article. I knew you obsessed about me and my impenetrable logic! Well, actually I hope no one has been posting as me and kcuffing up my brand.

    P.S. As much as MSFT is pissing me off with this damn copy paste update, I am hanging in there. Android is still boring.

  8. Ouch, getting called out on the internet for the first time that I remember. Tech news getting slow? I am not sure why this is a big deal. I use “ant_129” because its what I always used for forums as handles. Call it lazy but I don’t feel like keeping up with several different handles for different sites and yes I am too lazy to think of an awesome and creative one. This is one of the many tech blogs that I follow daily and as far as blogs go this is about the only one I comment on because I feel that my comments actually get heard here and apparently they do. Trolling is pretty minimum and I like it. I have been following since I got my fuze and the previous site fuzemobility. What does it matter if you know me as ant_129 or Anthoney? Its the internet, its not like we are going to go out and have a beer together.

  9. Tech news is not at all slow, but someone thought it would be a good idea to call this place a digest, whatever the hell that is, and also since you’ve got the likes of David K to keep your news flowing, I’m just taking the Ask the Readers category for a spin. Getting interesting results. And this wasn’t the worst question, and I tried to make it easy to answer by coming up with as many real answers, serious ones some of them, as I could so you didn’t have to think as much, and you just produced a pretty good answer, minor attack on my feelings notwithstanding.

    All right now this is neither here nor there but, since the secret’s out that my writing abilities are at best questionable but there is no doubt in my mind at least that I have good taste in jpegs, any of you offended or put off by my incorporation of visual femininity into my rants? Do you mind if I keep that up as long as I don’t cross lines too much further? I’m next to certain none of you mind that much so if I could just get a few go-for-its own the record it would help the next time Smith decides it’s time to come down on me over doing this too much. For a guy who looks like he makes no effort with his pictures, he sure breaks my balls about pictures a lot.

  10. firstly, you got my handle wrong… secondly, i second what ant_129 said (yeah, im going to refrain from using his first name) its so much easier to have one name that you use for all your sites and whatnot. im sure most people know they can use any name they want, they choose not to use thier first name mostly because of habit, you want to comment and you need a name, you plug in your handle because its unique and most websites wont allow 2 people with the same name commenting (yes this site is the exception, but i dont want to make an exception in my routine just because your site will let me) which for most people is going to be unique no matter what site theyre trying to use it on.

  11. Woot! Thanks for the shoutout! But I sense a little anger in your article but your posts/replies aren’t? Bi-polar much? =P

    I do a lot of gaming so using handles is what comes natural when it comes to interwebs and hyperspace. Plus posting on this site (which I check daily) is an escape from my normal life…much like video games are. So why not have a little fun?

    I would be interested in contributing more to this site. However, I am not really a writer nor would I know where I would want to contribute. But Blogging has peaked my interest as of late. If there is anything I can do in the meantime, don’t hesitate to ask!

  12. At first I thought this was going to be about weight gain and love handles. Then I realized Simmons was making fun of my alias. Wait, he didn’t make fun of my alias, sweet, I’m in the clear. Buy the. Again, perhaps it’s due to the fact that I change my alias every few weeks to keep him off my trail. That’s also why I post from my un-pawn2own-able Windows Phone 7.

  13. LOL

    And c’mon guys, cut the Google Guy some slack. He’s a tech blog journo and for once he has raised an issue that plagues tech blogs (even if not M’Digest)….. people with psuedohandles spamming, trolling, flamebaiting and generally creating an unseemly havoc all over the place. He hasn’t really called out anyone in particular, but just used some handles he could lay his hands upon to decorate his article (much like the lips props). We all know he’s a certified swellhead and so much in love with himself (and his name) that he cannot imagine why, for the love of God, anyone would pass the opportunity to plaster it all over the blogosphere. So just lets answer him why use handles!!

    I also remember the days (90’s) when my only access to the cyberworld was through a primitive VSAT which allowed me text-only chat over the IRC network. Handles were part of the standard internet kit then!!!! And Boy, did we go to lengths “living” our handles!! One of my earliest was LongJohnSilver, and believe you me, I even read “Treasure Island” again to be able to talk like the one eyed pirate. It was my signature, my identity, my raisón dé étre on the net… complete with the parrot on my shoulder screaming “Pieces of Eight”!! Handles were a manner of role playing. I rememeber one Moneypenny who was a JamesBond’s girl whom I managed to snare with my coarse pirate talk… hahahaha. Was it fun or was it fun…. till Facebook came and made anonymity uncool. :(

    My present alias, is just an alias, I mean literally. I made it when Microsoft added the cool alias feature which Google does not have, and even Doug Simmons could not help like it. Mayhap he’s a closet microsftie afterall… a sheep in wolf’s clothing. Uh What!!

    ‘Happening’ Hotmail Alias

    P.S. – Welcone back Doug. I was beginning to wonder if you lost all your mail in the last Google deluge. Or was it the ‘last but one’ snafu?? Come to think of it, at TWO snafus in ONE week, Google seems to be easily besting WP7’s ONE thousand apps in TWO weeks rate in inverse proportion!! Wonder if they’ll be able to drum up a “Find Google” app if such tsunamis keep hitting their shores.

  14. Must’ve been drunk to miss this.

    Pseudonym or not, I actually refer to myself as “fight.” I won’t get into the reason/back story for my name, after all, this article was about aesthetics, not real rationale. I will say this, in terms of siting someone’s name, what difference does it make to write “ll W4NT3D ll” as opposed to someone using a pen name or 1-3 initials then a name? Did anyone really address J.R.R. Tolkien as JRR?

    Bah.

    -Fight aka SYPADxTheFight aka ExpectAFight

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