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Handle Love

I don’t mean no disrespect but fellas why the stupid pseudonyms? Last names I can understand but not even your first? Worried someone will mail you dog poop sprinkled with anthrax and steal your identity to buy deviant porn and AOL sweatshirts? Instead of Eddie we’ve got sm0k3yd4b4nd1t, instead of Vinnie we’ve got ant_129, we’ve got the  FunkyGator, The_Fight, Idrankbluekoolaid, Hotmail Alias (actually that one’s not too bad) …

What is it, you signed onto the Internet for the first time and discovered you couldn’t make an AOL/Gmail/XDA account with just your first name so you come up with something random and then throughout your Internetting, looking around at the other randomness, you yourself grow progressively more out there with theses handles?

Are you reserving yourself a little playpen for an alter ego?

Want to be able to have a little spot of intellectual asylum where you can be an idiot or sexist or fire up a little good ol’ racial humor and not have to worry that your father-in-law or employer-to-be will find out about it so your impulse is to go with something like D-Money? But again, brings us back to first names, you’re afraid those people will manage to connect the dots just with that first name, don’t want to take any chances?

Do you not like your name? Wish your parents named you FunkyGator or Hotmail Alias? Is that it?

You’re aware, right, that at least on this website you don’t have to register a unique name. Hell you can even post as me. Named Doug too? You can post as The other other Doug. Email address? Just bang in as@d.f, not like we keep track of that (let alone spam you), we just haven’t bothered to figure out how get rid of that box. Keep coming up with other things to do with our lives. That said, not for nothing, but I see you people haven’t exactly been pulling your weight by contributing a ton of comment content since I’ve been away. Sort that out, don’t make me write another Tea Party thing.

I guess it mainly bothers me when I am writing a serious yet seriously awesome article about something sweet some XDA guy did and I need to credit him and have to say something like “Thanks to the good work of chupavergas2091 from XDA,” I just wish I could use a normal name so keep my article beautiful, and then it makes me think, why do we do this? Well, why don’t I ask the readers? And here we are.

As you can see I slap my name all over the place. Bottom of just about every article I write. Even when I’m being stupid (“when are you not being stupid?” yeah yeah). Big ego I guess, but really though, if you can believe this reason? Helps my Google ranking which is why I’m here, trying to snatch Doug Simmons from some lawyer so I can get one of those Google Search business cards – and also because I just don’t see the reason to use a handle. It’s not like if I post something and sign it as Doug Simmons some spam bot is going to email “Doug Simmons” a bunch of crap. What’s the point.

Hey, if you don’t get all panty wadded because you think this is my way of talking shit about Windows Phone (which by the way is climbing immeasurably, and not the good immeasurably), maybe you can tell me, maybe there’s a good reason. So guys, what’s with the handles? Seriously. To smooth things over, some luscious lips. The one right above is big enough but protip, the others blow up if you click…

Doug Simmons