Word is Dan Hesse is getting benched from the Sprint ads. Figured now’s the time to throw you fellas a bone (complete with a visual prototype). Doing this as a gesture of tepid spite, frankly, against my new carrier for attempting to get in bed with a company even a lot of you are beginning to hate, stalling your updates for apparent reason and or choking your bandwidth. So Sprint, this one’s a freebie.

Grab (gently) T-Mobile’s darling, sweet, seductive, spellbinding, gorgeous gorgeous Carly Foulkes. Just steal her from T-Mobile. I don’t know how much you’ll have to pay her either to entice her or pay lawyers to gouge her out of some exclusivity thing or maybe even pry her out of her own loyalties to T-Mobile, but figure it out because it would be worth it, no question. I ran the numbers. And you might even get her for free if you agree to stop wining about AT&T to the feds.

Dan Hesse on TV represents the nouveaux riche down to earth leveling-with-you boss of the underdog company. His father may have been blue collar but he’s still a CEO, a suit. Not an easy jump to identify with him and lay down my guard, handing over all my trust, my soul to him. But Carly on the other hand, easy for me to identify with, to feel like I’m in her shoes and therefor trust her blindly, as she’s very good looking, knows what it’s like to have everyone just stare at you to get their jollies, and she’s a consumer who like the rest of us consumers talks trash about the companies she doesn’t patronize.

So she’s a consumer who’s easy on the eyes, a true delight if I’ve ever been delighted by someone, one of very few things that will stop my three minute DVR fast forward through commercials dead in its tracks. Now with her charm you don’t need a storyline too badly, but here’s your story line: She hates AT&T so much that just the word that her T-Mobile wants anything to do with AT&T and in a year or two from now just may be swallowed up by AT&T and become AT&T, well Carly won’t stand for that. She won’t stand for it, nor will she wait around crossing her fingers that the government will derail the acquisition and she will not stand for it with a look of tantalizing incredulity at the situation in general. You don’t have to be a T-Mobile customer to want to feel for her.

Carly has a thing for underdog companies, feels the whole red wardrobe thing is becoming tired, so that makes Sprint the obvious choice for her as a consumer, to bail out toward Sprint and then talk to America about it in cute, endearing ways, taking sexy jabs with priceless expressions at the other guys.

She’d be good. And it would create quite a stir, the sassy sexy T-Mobile girl bailing out, emotionally downtrodden initially because of her crushed T-Mobile dreams, but still clinging onto optimism that it’s not coming down to AT&T and another red-themed company, that Sprint will keep it real to her. And they’ll let her port her number to Google Voice just like that.

Now that is a damn good idea, ain’t that right. You’re welcome, Sprint. Now go on and snatch that piece of Heaven. You have my blessing. Do this babies and y’all be wearing gold plated diapers.

Doug Simmons


  1. First, you are still signing you name. :P

    Second, Carly is smoking hot. No doubt about that, but I think she would be sloppy seconds for Sprint and they could quite easily find a…ahem….Smoking Hot Spokes-model somewhere that would become the Sprint Girl.

  2. Smith: You can’t hold me to something I said on April 1st.

    train: Coming right up. I actually started thinking I would shop a black and yellow thing on her in a bikini so I scooped up like ten of those (wasn’t easy, kept running into javascript hijacking sites but this was important). Just contemplating how to present them to you. I think since it’s on-topic this time an excessive amount embedded in a comment isn’t pushing it too much but maybe I should just dump them on my server and give you a link now that Smith is tuned in. Or somewhere in between. Give me a bit.

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