12/12/2012 – A post from the future

Through means I shall not disclose, I arrived in the future a few days ago.  I’m currently still in the future, but my arms are reached through a wormhole, typing on my laptop that is currently located in the present… because sending a post over the internet to 12 months in the past is just silly.  And besides, I want the most accurate prediction post on the Internet.

It’s a different world.  Through passion and persistence, Microsoft has managed to wrangle 10% of the mobile market with use of their exclusive Apocalyspe 365 App, an Office extension (and free for WP8 users!) that allows you a few minutes warning before meteors, gives you plagued areas, and even shows you the most fertile areas for good ol’ fashioned rape and pillage.  How are we still using cell phones during the end of the world?  Well, even if we live in Mad Max, no cell phone reception is still something nobody wants (Due to being taken over by the Mo’Lok Clan, every time someones call is dropped an AT&T employee is publicly slaughtered and burned.  Call reception has improved significantly!)

Android quad-core phones were released, but the batteries were too weak to keep them up.  Due to lithium batteries costing four quarts of water or your daughters endless dedication, clever Android users have fashioned a miniature internal-combustion engine to power their devices.  That’s right, Androids are gas powered!  They expect the supply of gas to last for another few years until the second coming of the Dark Ages, so I guess the guys from Mountain View did get the last laugh.

Apple just released the iVest, a kelvar-stubbed, fashionably minimalistic ballistic bit of chest armor.  It’s been a big seller, an instant hit, but chief complaints have come from people who claim you’re just paying for a name.  There are no customizations, but a ton of accessories available.  The impact plates are non-removable, but if you are shot you can take the vest to any Apple store and get it replaced under warranty.  The initial plates came with glass covering, but were recalled for obvious reasons.

Hewlett Packard has dropped out of the human trafficking market, letting their operations go open source.

The fanboy wars have gone from the messageboards to the Badlands of the Great Plains.  Due to the chaotic and often clumsy, smelly nature of these battles, people originally chose to put an icon of their favorite hardware on flags to differentiate.  Since all televisions, cell phones, tablets, microwaves, refrigerators, and shoes since February 2012 have been made to look like black rectangles, confusion reigned during the initial phase.  The resulting carnage was called The Big LOL (Sponsored by Bawls), and it was estimated the collective smell of 5,422 athletes-foot ridden feet have made the area uninhabitable for another three decades.  Since then, people have changed their flags up to have company names.  All of the cyan and pink Nokia Lumia 999 fanboys won’t shut up about how, if the other devices were as colorful as theirs this wouldn’t have happened, and have been selected by the masses for enforced extinction by Q2 2013 (If the world still exists by then!)

Okay, well, the joint-venture Bandwidth Enforcement Units (From all cell phone providers) are closing in on my location, so I need to break links and get running.  Just remember what you’ve read here, and know that everyone elses prediction posts are completely…

There’s someone here.  They’re coming in the back way.  The Telcoms are going to get me, get them before it’s too late!

Oh, F-