Biggest problem with Windows Phone? What’s holding it back? Nope, not the timing, carriers or even Ballmer. It’s the name. While people tend to favor the number seven, Microsoft, Windows and Phone, the words, the brands, are boring and dull as shit at best, with a synergistic effect when you pack them altogether and chase it with an additional syllable or two for the number plus a carrier, OEM and phone name to identify your optimized phone.

Yes, Windows 7 turned out not suck as much as Windows normally does but it’s not sexy enough to consumers to make them want to buy some phone because it has a similar name and number. Especially since this was aimed at consumers and not the enterprise there just isn’t a demand for a phone brand that implies that it might work more cohesively with one’s Microsoft computer. If anything, time to show that the phone is functional whether a computer is in the mix or not. People know by now that everything’s compatible with everything and don’t give a shit. Maybe a couple people dummies on the fence were tipped over the edge when seeing Microsoft and/or Windows slapped onto the sales tag, but not enough dummies to offset all the people who kept moving, probably back to the more visible parts of the stores than you’ll never, ever graze with a name like this.

These updates you’re sending out that require people to plug into their computer and install another iTunes, how many people who’ve finally received that update ping actually followed through with it? Not talking about the people saying great job on your blog, but everyone who bought the things. Is that why the updates require a Zune tethering, because you thought it would be a good way to get more people using Zune, as if you’d have that kind of leverage to throw around? Why would you require Zune for anything? And which one of you managed to convince the rest that Zune is a fresh sounding word to go with for anything you intend to sell? Zune. Really? What’s wrong with you?

You decided you’d better regroup and give this thing a new name, a clean slate, and put Windows Mobile to bed. Smart, but this is what you came up with as an improvement? More question marks please??? The AT&T HTC Surround, a Microsoft Windows Phone 7 and Zune, Office and HTC apps. What, no Sharepoint, msconfig and MS SQL too? C’mon, doesn’t it come with MacAfee, Windows Defender and Norton like my PC? Windows, that’s the thing that runs my Windows Update software already, right? Love that. Good God, no wonder roughly 99 out of 100 yesterday’s smartphone buyers went with something else.

That XBox, isn’t that selling even better than meth in Tennessee? Sandbags in Louisiana? Yeah, it’s called the XBox, that’s what your people came up and went with instead of Microsoft Windows Home Server 2012 Gaming Console Center 29. You see my point? I know you guys have already discussed this multiple times, but whoever’s in the room at the time saying that I’m wrong, you know that guy? Well maybe he’s right but damnit guys you’ve got to try something! You made a better product and that didn’t work and maybe, just maybe that’s because you’re shooting your foot off with a horrible name. Bet it’s the same guy who said you should include the word Series in it. “Don’t Buy This” is actually a better name. Seriously, think about it. Edgy, you know?

Sometimes I think you guys fucked up the update thing deliberately in order to give us something to talk about. Which actually isn’t that bad an idea in your case, so kudos if I just nailed it right there, our little secret.

Face it, Microsoft, while being a venerable blue chip company and whatever, is, as a brand, about as arousing to the consumer psyche as Exxon and Proctor and Gamble. That is becoming truer over time and you know it, you fucking know it, don’t just write me off as some dime a dozen jackoff blogger because you know that is true. I don’t know how you managed to do that but you did. So embrace it, the failure that is, and stop embracing the old brands. I’m more interested in rumors regarding 3M than Microsoft, think I’ll check if they have an RSS feed. The only thing extraordinary that comes to my mind when I hear Microsoft is prolifically predatorily litigious. Mind blown, sell me your phone.

All right gents, so don’t call the next one Microsoft Windows Phone 8 or anything like that. Please stop continuing to screw the pooch, it’s getting old. What should you call it? I don’t know, BP Sucks? How about Titty Sprinkles? No, too out there? Come on, who doesn’t love titty sprinkles. That’s how Charlie Sheen bounces out of depressive episodes, chanting titty sprinkles to himself (well, that and bumping some lines off porn stars). Just go up to five people right now and say titty sprinkles and you’ll get six positive reactions. At least three and the other two were probably bottle fed and suck anyway. Yeah you’re right but now I know what to name my article in order to get people to read it even with no apparent sign of titties or sprinkling or sprinkling titties. Hmm, something toned down a notch but still edgy… 

Ahh yes I think I got it: Mango.

Doug Simmons

SHARE
Previous articleTool released to fix “Walshed” phones
Next articleI’m Right, Right?
Biographical info.. hmm. I have a history of not being able to strike the balance between what is "safe" to put into these forms and what is, in my mind at least, funny. Can't do it.

18 COMMENTS

  1. Absolutely worthless article. No wonder this site sucks. This has nothing to do with Windows Phone at all. Horrible writing not even readable.

  2. Feel better now? Seriously who gives a shit what the name of it is? I didn’t buy the phone because of the long winded name. I bought it because of reviews and opinions. Time to find a hobby.

  3. Good for you, you’re a smart shopper with your reviews. Guess that means I was way off here, in light of this new evidence, your method of operation.

  4. I’m confused by some things posted on this website. I subscribed to the RSS thinking I would get more info (not quite as much opinion) on a variety of mobile tech. There definitely is some info but why always this one dude consistently talking shit about some company? Was there a wrongfully termination by said company or something? I don’t get it…

    Now, personally I don’t like seafood much but if I contributed to a food-centric website I don’t think I’d waste too many keystrokes telling people that ev-er-y-day. I’d probably just talk about the wonders of steak – maybe chicken.. instead of constantly trying to discredit seafood. I mean what has seafood over really done to me? “Oh seafood you smell the worst of all the meats.” “Oh seafood I hate your texture.” “Oh seafood anyone who eats you is gay, you’re never going to gain market share.” That’d be pretty annoying, eh? Not just to seafood lovers but in general.

    I think my readers would probably get tired of hearing me talk about how awful *I* think seafood is alllllll the time. At a certain point some of my readers may start to feel like my steak tasted a little less meat-flavored and a little more like sour grapes. Ya know?

  5. “Yes, Windows 7 turned out not suck as much as Windows normally does but it’s not sexy enough to consumers to make them want to buy some phone because it has a similar name and number.”

    LOL! Windows 7 kicks all kind of ass. Windows XP kicked ass. So did 2000, 98SE, and 95. There’s only one Windows that ever sucked, and that was ME. Even Vista is very good once third party drivers and software caught up, as well as Service Pack 1 was released.

    As for a name, I don’t care. What counts is the OS.

  6. As for the article, there’s no point to it. It’s just more Microsoft trolling by Microsoft hater Doug Simmons. It’s only reason he wrote this, and he thought he could sound genuine.

    By the way, Android is a cool name, but it doesn’t matter since the OS sucks. The ugliest OS in mobile. Complicated to use with basic features buried under numerous layers. Choppy and laggy performance, even on dual core phones. Not to mention the awful Android market and this hideous. The name can’t hide what a piece of shit it is.

  7. After using iPhones and Android phones, I settled with WP7 because of the snappy, quick interface. This Doug douche is always proclaiming how horrid the OS is. I’d like to respond by saying that while not as feature rich, app robust, or common as the other two big smartphone giants, WP7 definitely has the most rock solid OS out of all of them, including Dymbian and RIM. Its a pleasure to use, but only an idiot can’t see it has faults. The name, however, is not one of those faults. This article is garbage, worthless, and just the ravings of a sub-par writer locked in some stupid brand loyalty fit that makes him froth at the mouth. You’ve discredited yourself and your entire website as a place that serious smartphone consumers should visit with this trashy pile of shitty grammar. Have some water to wash down those sour grapes.

  8. To understand Doug is to simply read about attention seeking disorders. Pretty sad when you read about it. Well, not so sad that I won’t take a moment to call him a pathetic idiot.

  9. I’ve had a Windows mobile phone since the beginning, but am I the only person that knows that this is the 7th version of Microsofts mobile OS. Why would they call it something else other than the 7th installment of their mobile phone platform. Its obvious that Windows Phone7 is an improvement from windows mobile but just to reiterate this is not the first windows device ITS THE 7TH. This blogger is an idiot.

  10. Hate on Doug if you want to, and my lord there are plenty of reasons to do so, but not for this article. He’s right. I would prefer Mango or about most everything else over Windows Phone. Sure, the branding has no impact on the user experience, but if you thoroughly enjoy the product, you also probably want to see the product succeed. Branding is very important for any retail product, like it or not. I hope WP succeeds because it is fantastic in many respects. If it does, it will be despite the branding, not because of it.

  11. seriously, lay off simmons, he never said the OS sucked, in fact in a previous article i beleive he said he enjoyed it and would even recommend it to some… that said, its a valid point. windows phone 7 is even too long. iphone blackberry android even xbox macbook viao, there all one word really and they roll off the tounge nicely, you cant say windows phone 7 “5 times fast” without sounding like a fool. name brand recognition almost always plays a huge part in the success of anything whether its cutco knives or gucci, if it doesnt have a good name its starting off with a huge disadvantage.

  12. I know I’m in the minority, but I always applauded Microsoft’s naming conventions. It literally tells you what the product is at a quick glance. I’m not a fan of made up words to name new technology.

  13. I like Microsoft’s naming conventions as well, just try and tell shit about a processor or video card at a glance (Lynnfield, Bulldozer, what?!). Oh, and maybe they called it WP7 not just becuase it IS the 7th Windows Phone/Mobile version, but also to ride the coattails of the fastest selling PC OS ever, Win7? The writer is such a goof it’s unbelievable.

  14. They need a new brand, and can ass “Powered by Windows” or “Powered by Microsoft”

  15. Windows 7 has gone a long way to repairing MS reputation in the mainstream. There’s no pleasing the cult of Jobs and despite efforts by Microsoft, there’s nothing Windows can offer serious Linux users. That being said, I think they’re relying on word of mouth to spread WP7. And so far, word of mouth has been good. I just don’t think, in a market dictated by a 2 year purchase cycle, that you can expect the new guy to dominate out of the gate. They’re selling a few million despite being relegated to the back of carrier stores, iPhone frenzy, and Android dominance. Its way too early to say it’ll be a success or failure, but in a smartphone dominated workplace like mine I’ve already seen a few pop up. The name will not deter people if their friends say its amazing.

Comments are closed.